I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
