I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
