Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
