I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
