then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
