I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
