ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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