so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
