: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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