I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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