I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
