franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
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Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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