just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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