you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
