tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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