I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
