if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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