you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
