she woke up with a sticky ear
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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