I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
