His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
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