dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
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i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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