I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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