and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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