I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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