i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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