Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im six kinds of drunk right now
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize