walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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