where am i from again
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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