I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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