Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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