I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
