Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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