I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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