My nipple is on Facebook.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
