i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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