if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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