I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
