I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
