I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
