I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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