I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
