At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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