my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
