this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
