theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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