She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
