These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
