Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
