Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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