There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
