I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
