My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
