If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
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i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
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You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.