I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings