By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"