Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
