woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
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He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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