Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize