Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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