we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
