Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
