i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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